Toxic.

It's time to man up. Lucy would want me to.
I'm a toxic person. If you call me a friend, chances are I'm anything but. Chances are I've put shit on you behind your back, sent you passive-aggressive texts and can only handle you in small doses. I'm no friend worth having.

Why on earth would I treat my friends like this? Who knows. Because I'm jealous. Insecure. I hold grudges and take things far too personally.

I'm a wreck right now. I lost something very dear to me, and seeing the pain and suffering going on in so many lives right now is burning me out. So I'm lashing out - if you're balancing on an even keel and things are going well for you... watch your back. Because I'm aching to take you down a few pegs. It seems to be all I can do to keep my own head above water, because if I'm not finding an (inappropriate) outlet for my feelings, the alternative is to be numb. And I can't afford to be drunk at all hours, I have kids to look after.
So instead, I'm taking it all out on you. Which is no excuse, considering I've been stabbing you in the back all along. I'm just a fucking horrible person who reaps what she sows and then wonders why nothing ever goes right and she's always finding something, anything, to be miserable about.

So there it is. I'm not here for you. I don't have your back. I'm no friend you would want in your life. Forgive me if you must, but do it for yourself - I'm not worthy of forgiveness.

This isn't just directed at one person. I got a wake-up call last night and I'm not even interested in making things right. I just want to get it off my chest so everyone can cut their ties and move on, there's the excuse we've all been looking for. I admit it. I've done wrong. Now go... and be happy. I can't. I never will. But there's no point in you all hanging around being dragged down with me.

Real-life learnin'.

An effective way to teach your child fractions:

'...Two... two and a half... two and three quarters... if I get to the next whole number, you're gettin' a floggin'...'

Torn between two passions

I'm having my first-ever 'career goal crisis'! This is scary. Good, but scary. It's getting close to decision-making time and I'm getting too fucking old to go screwing up now.

I'll be honest. Never worked a full day in my life. Sure, I've worked long-arse shifts, but I've only ever been in casual or part-time employment, in shitty retail or hospitality jobs, and floated around after finishing school alternating between the dole and dead-end jobs to get some extra cash because I had no idea where I wanted to go or who I wanted to be as a 'grown-up'.
Actually, that's not entirely true - I knew I wanted to be a wife and mum, but that shit doesn't pay so great. 'Career-wise', I was clueless.

A few years passed. I got married, had the girls, settled into adult life (as I know it) and decided that I wanted to be a midwife! I love babies. I love pregnancy. I love being an advocate of natural, unmedicalised birth and educating expectant and new mothers, and what better way to get my point across and change people's lives, than to be there throughout pregnancy and holding their hand in the delivery room as they bring new life into this world?
Yes, this was where I wanted to go. It's gonna be tough, but I've gotta do it. I need a job. No. Not a job. A CAREER. Something that fulfills, challenges and stimulates me as well as paying the bills. Something my mother would be proud of.

I've made plans. Wait until the kids are a little older. Do the STEPS course externally.
Except I can't. I know how useless I am, and it's been a long time since I was in school. I can't study at home, I need a classroom and a teacher breathing down my neck to make sure I get my shit together and hand my work in on time. Always did. Because I'm lazy.
So I'm just waiting for a spot at daycare to come up for Squirtle next year so I can begin doing the STEPS course and move on from there into nursing, and then a post-grad course on midwifery.


All set, right?

Except...

Today I went and got my nails done. For the first time since my year 12 prom (yes, we call it a prom where I live, thanks to the US Marines stationed here back in the 50's). And they're fantastic! As a stay-at-home mama who's always elbow-deep in soapy water and muddy children (don't ask me where the mud comes from, I still can't work it out), my nails are NEVER nice.
While treating myself to my basic French with black tips, the tech and I got to talking shop. I never managed to finish my beauty therapy cert at TAFE, but I was an ace nail tech - just never got the qualification to say so. It was fun, it was easy, it was interesting and awesome and I want to do it properly. Every day.
The tech said that they were always looking for new staff (the store opened recently and only has a few girls working) and that they provided on-the-job training...

And now it's got me thinking.
I could do this. A lot easier than getting into midwifery. It wouldn't require shitty shiftwork, I could indulge my creative side and let's face it, there's a whole lot less politics involved in bloody nail art than there is in women's and children's rights and the medical profession.

So now what do I do?

I'm thinking, enrol in the STEPS course anyway, try to get some part-time work at the nail bar and get certified - that way I have both options on the table and at least a whole year to decide where I'd be happier in the long term.
I can't wait for the Boss to get home so I can chew his ear off about this... it's exciting.
I've never had options.

Never.

I'm smart. Smart enough to be 'somebody'. I fluked right through school with a B+ average with depression, a drug addiction, and far more attention paid to boys, makeup and getting fucked-up drunk every weekend than I did to my studies. But I did it. So I know I can get through four (or more) years of hard-core university and spending my holidays doing work placement for credits and experience...
but on the other hand, I've got a family now. While I want to help other families and support them through the most life-changing and important times of their lives, I simply don't have the freedom to put my own family on the backburner while I dedicate myself to others. Being a midwife pays better, but what if the pressure's just too much? The Boss is already shirty at the thought of having to get home from work and be full-time Dad three nights a week while I'm at night courses... will he be able to handle me being a full-time nursing student? I don't know.
Maybe it would just be 'easier' for me to be a nail tech and earn a piss-ant living decorating fake nails at $60 a pop. But would I always feel like I'm wasting myself on a superficial job because I was too lazy or scared to do a few years of hard slog to get to a really good place?

Ahhhh, I'm doing my own head in right now.
Just kill me.

What the fuck would you do if you were in my shoes?? Any advice or suggestion is sooo welcome.

Mopey Monday :/

So, just between you and me...
I know how bloody sad it is that I allow you to make me feel like this, but today I'm stinging especially badly.
If we could just... not talk for like, a month? I might be able to feel better about myself.
And I hate that. But days like today, I fucking hate you.
You don't even know you're doing it, but sometimes all I need to do is look at your big dumb face and I want to smack it. Hard.

Grr.

Unfair.

I could go on for approximately 11 weeks (factoring in 8 hours of sleep in any 24-hour period, toilet breaks and darb runs) about the unfairness of some of the laws in this country - and not only that, but the legal outcomes of certain cases that go before a judge - but tonight I'm speaking specifically about how a 111-year-old is still in effect and treating women like second-class citizens.

Namely, I'm referring to one Tegan Leach and one Sergie Brennan, who were found not guilty today in a Cairns court of 'procuring an abortion'.
WHAT? Yeah, that's right. Hauled before a judge because they were not ready to start a family and took appropriate action when their birth control failed.
I'm extremely pleased to hear that it took a jury less than an hour to find them not guilty of the trumped-up charges, and they are now free to move on with their lives instead of being locked up for a simple human right - the right to govern one's own reproduction.

Feel free to comment all you like on this one, but I will GUARANTEE you I have an argument for every anti-choice point ever made, there is absolutely no way in hell I will ever change my mind about this particular belief. I have been 100% pro-choice since the day I was old enough to know what the word meant, and with the gaining of maturity and life experience, I only become more sure that it is my right, your right, the right of every woman on the face of this planet to be free to choose.

(I'm probably going to be throwing out a fair few four-letter words in this post... it's a subject that drives me to dropping f-bombs. I apologise in advance. I'm also going to apologise for the disjointedness of what's going to follow, I have a bit of trouble keeping a fluid line of thought going and will be jumping all over the place. Bear with me.)

Honestly, it pisses me off that so many people feel they have a right to pass judgement on a woman who has ended a pregnancy. I personally am not comfortable with the though of 'late-term' abortions and I myself have my hypothetical 'cut-off' point, but I recognise that there certainly is a need for some women to terminate a pregnancy after the socially-acceptable point of 12 weeks.
Obviously prevention is better than 'cure', but unless someone can come up with a way to sterilise females at birth and then somehow give them back their ability to conceive at an appropriate age, there is ALWAYS going to be the issue of unwanted, accidental and unintended pregnancies. Sorry, but that's the way it is. We are built to conceive, but just because most of us can, doesn't mean we want to, or that we should, or that we *can* continue a pregnancy to term. As a woman, and a feminist, it fucking offends me that ANYBODY would assume that because my reproductive organs are in good working order, I should be reduced to the status of incubator should my birth control fail.
Which it has. Twice. Neither of these accidental pregnancies resulted in children, not that it's any of your business. But I *know* what it's like to take every preventative measure available (including the morning-after pill) and then end up with a positive fucking piss test and no goddamn idea where I'm going to go from here.
Sure, I'm a grown woman in a very happy, stable marriage with a supportive partner who earns a good income - but the supply of money is not endless, nor is my physical or mental health infallible. I'm not Michelle Duggar, that's for damn sure - to be honest the woman drives me a bit crazy because she gives the rest of us non-supermums a bad name. I'm not capable of looking after fifteen kids in quick succession, nor would I ever wish my older children to take on the huge burden of caring for younger siblings because I'm always pregnant or tied up with a newborn. No, fuck that. I have no desire for any more children and that doesn't make me an awful person.
I'm getting my tubes tied as soon as I can find a doctor who will refer me for the procedure (two have already laughed me out of the room thanks to my age), but at least I can take care of that, knowing that I've already completed my family and just have no more use for my reproductive organs. I can destroy them without a second thought, they're useless to me now.

But what about the young men and women who are just embarking on their lives, studying, working, partying, capable of conceiving and just nowhere near ready to actually take the plunge into parenthood?
The birth control we have available to us in 2010 is sadly lacking. The pill, when taken correctly, has only a 98% success rate, condoms slightly worse off at 97%, and methods such as Implanon, Depo-Provera shots, IUDs etc ranging anywhere between 96% and 99.something%.
Did you notice something there? That's right, not ONE of those methods has a 100% success rate. I know, I know, only abstinence does. Well you wanna know something else? ABSTINENCE SUCKS. I'm a grown woman, in a stable relationship, who recognises sexual intimacy as one of the many valid forms of expressing love. Oh, and I don't mind an orgasm once in a while. If I hear one more anti-choice activist harp on about 'Don't want a baby? Then keep your legs shut,' chances are I'm going to track them down and smack them fair in the mouth. Except I won't, that would take a lot of effort, so I'm more likely to get pissed off and either cry or yell at my kids. So you can fuck right off with that argument straight up. It's stupid, it makes no sense, and you're free to go back to the Victorian era if you want, but I'm quite happy in the 21s century where sex is used for purposes other than creating babies.

'Don't want a baby? Wear a condom!' Yes, because that's worked for me. Twice, even. I'm fucking terrified of having children when I'm not ready for them. Both my daughters were planned right down to the month their birthdays would be in, so as to fit around the rest of the family's birthdays, and the fact that I hate Queensland summers enough without being heavily pregnant (I chose to have winter babies to avoid being sweaty AND 30kg over my normal weight range).
I have taken countless different forms of the birth control pill, and hated them all. For some reason, I'm one of the very few unlucky ones who suffers horrible side effects and honestly, I'm shithouse at organisational skills and can never remember to take the bleeding things at the right time. Find me a pill I only have to take once a week and I'd be sorted, provided it didn't have to be at a specific time - that's what screws me. I'm a SAHM with no routine, I like to sleep in and fly by the seat of my pants... Pill's just not for me. I know I'm not alone.
Same goes for injections, Implanons and all the other 'set and forget' methods of contraception. They fuck with my cycle, I gain too much weight, and in the case of the wonderful Implanon (which I would not even recommend to my worst enemy), there were even SUICIDE ATTEMPTS! Awesome! That'll sure stop me having a baby I don't want, without the need for offending people's moral sensibilities. I'll be DEAD. Fantastic, sign me up.

So, enough about me for a minute - back to these youngins who are having enough trouble paying the rent or finding themselves and don't want babies - what are they to do? Obviously, use protection. I'd never recommend anything different. For most people, protection works just the way it's meant to, but somehow the Boss and I together are dynamite in the conception stakes and the only 'safe' option here is a fucking hysterectomy. So I'm not going to get mad at some pair of 20-somethings who have big dreams of a full life and kids somewhere down the track, later - if the worst thing possible happens, I would never begrudge them the ability to hold onto those dreams and provide for a child if and when THEY are ready.
In the case of Tegan Leach and Sergie Brennan, they stated in court that they were simply 'not ready' for a child. They are young. They might be dumb. But for all we know, they were using birth control appropriately and it fucking failed them. That doesn't make them evil. It just makes nature a really cruel bitch. Can't we all just go through puberty when we're 25 instead of 12? That'd make unwanted pregnancies in youngsters a LOT easier to avoid.

I shouldn't even really get into the 'option' of adoption. This is another unfair system in our 'fair' country. Let me put it out there - for the vast majority of women in 2010, adoption is NOT an 'option'. It is purely a fanciful notion put forward by romantics who haven't thought very long or hard about the cruel realities of the system. It takes years of sitting on waiting lists and paying out thousands of dollars for prospective parents, and if it was so 'easy' to give children up for adoption, Australian couples wouldn't be going overseas to adopt children - they would be getting them here.
Never mind the prospective parents involved - this isn't like the 'good old days' when an unwed, expectant mother would be shipped off to 'Aunt Carol's place in the country' before she started showing and would come back about seven months later with a hollow sadness in her eyes and a pudgier belly than before. No, in 2010, you'd be expected to stay at work (would you even be entitled to maternity leave?) until your due date and face endless questions, judgments and 'looks' from people who find out you're 'not keeping it'. No. Unfortunately, while giving a child up for adoption is touted as the 'noble', 'selfless' option, the reality would be somewhat different, I imagine. People would talk behind your back. Ostracise you because they cannot understand why you would do such a thing. Your friends, family, your children, would not be able to comprehend that you are having a child, and not bringing it home from hospital. Instead, you're going to carry it for nine months, give birth to it, hand it over to officials and sentence it to a life shunted from foster home to foster home until someone finally gets approved to adopt it. You're then meant to go back to work, go back to school, and try to brush off the awkward silences, the catty comments, the lack of support from those around you.
Well fuck that. I'd rather take myself off to the clinic before I start showing and never tell a soul that I was pregnant in the first place. Problem solved. I mean hey, if you can hack that, and then the years of longing and worry and wondering what became of that child, you deserve a goddamn medal. Most of us aren't that brave. And I think that's human.

Another thing that really grinds my gears (and I don't even drive a manual!), is that 'pro-lifers' (pro-whose life, exactly? Certainly not the living, breathing, thinking woman who has already walked this earth for well over a decade, no, she doesn't matter at all, she's just a blood supply for a more important life, right?) have so much concern for an unborn child, but that concern seems to evaporate the minute the unwanted child is born.
They claim that they are looking out for the rights of the unborn child, but it doesn't ever seem to cross their minds that a CHILD should NEVER be used as a form of punishment. 'Take responsibility for your actions!' they screech. Like undergoing risky surgery to prevent someone else suffering is somehow avoiding consequences. Abortion is definitely a consequence. It is indeed 'facing the music' and 'taking responsibility'. It is often a way for an expecting woman to prevent the unnecessary suffering of an innocent child, and carries quite a number of risks to her physical and emotional wellbeing. For anybody to sit there and say that making the decision to terminate a pregnancy is somehow 'avoiding responsibility' is ludicrous.
Would these anti-choice activists be pleased to know that children are indeed suffering for being born to parents that are not prepared to raise them? It astounds me that there can be so much concern for the unborn, but so little thought put into the realities of what that child, and its parents, endure after abortion is taken off the table. They dedicate so much time and effort into preserving fetuses to punish women for having sex, and just expect women to become 'mothers' the instant that child comes into the world. Sorry, doesn't happen like that. There are far too many sad tales on the news about mistreated, neglected, abused and dead children who suffered at the hands of parents or carers who were ill-equipped or simply did not care to raise them. If 'pro-lifers' cared so much for the rights of children, and the rights of humans, they would recognise that sometimes it is truly in the best interests of some children to never be born.

And now, the nitty-gritty. Not just the 'what ifs'. Details.
Let me first get this out of the way. It's very important. ABORTION STATISTICS IN AUSTRALIA ARE GROSSLY FLAWED. Wanna know how? Because 1 in 3 pregnancies ends in miscarriage, and quite a large number of these miscarriages are not 'complete miscarriages'. That is, women who have lost their babies then need to seek medical attention to remove 'retained products of conception', hopefully before infection sets in and potentially has an adverse effect on their fertility. Unfortunately, though, most hospitals are ill-equipped to carry out the surgery, known as a D&C, so these poor women, most of whom are grieving their lost babies, are referred instead to the nearest abortion clinic to sit amongst girls and women who are grieving different circumstances. Then the women who have had a D&C to remove 'retained products' are lumped into the same category of these other women, so the statistics show that 'abortions' have occurred when they simply have not.
Of course, the numbers are shocking if you take them on face value - but they're simply not a true representation of how many women choose to end a pregnancy for whatever reason. Genetic abnormalities, unviable pregnancies, 'lifestyle' reasons... the list goes on. And so do the lies.

I certainly wouldn't call abortion the 'easy' option, considering the jumping through hoops and the deliberate obstacles placed in our way. There are only three or four abortion clinics in the whole of Queensland outside the state's capital. For those of you unfamiliar with Queensland's size, that means women have to travel hundreds of miles just to reach a clinic. Then there's the costs involved - in excess of $600, upfront, nothing claimed back on Medicare, just for a termination before 10 weeks. It then goes up by $100 a week, so it's a huge financial blow. I mean, hey, I can't afford to have a baby, but I have $800 just sitting in my bank waiting to be spent in a day. Duh. Doctors will refer you to the relevant services because it's their job, but the snide comments and disapproving looks they give you say it all. That's just unfair. Like women who are struggling to make this difficult choice are immune to the feelings of guilt, shame, of being stigmatised.

The laws in this supposedly fair country make me absolutely sick sometimes. You can commit murder, call it manslaughter, and get out on parole in three years, but face the consequences of your actions with a heavy heart and end a pregnancy and you can be looking at seven years behind bars. Get real. If you can't trust women with choice, how the fuck can you trust us with a baby? Why are we still subjected to 110-year-old laws in a first-world country with citizens who are educated and have access to appropriate medical services when required? Why is our government sitting on its hands and claiming there's 'not enough public support' to change laws to protect women, their partners, and their right to CHOOSE? It's a complete farce.

I feel like I've rambled enough for tonight. It's nearly 2am. There's so much more to say, so feel free to ask for clarification and I'll update or write another post some other time.
But in short, I'm 100% pro-choice and anybody who doesn't like it can leave me and my uterus the fuck alone, thanks. If you don't like abortion, DON'T HAVE ONE. Pretty simple, really. I don't tell you what to do with your private business, so stay the hell out of mine.

Unfulfilled.

Dear McCafe,

Being part of the restaurant that pioneered the 'Supersize' phenomenon, it saddens (and shocks) me that you still have not made available a 'bucket' option for your hot beverages.
Evenings like this, I have not got enough spare change to buy two coffees, and I am wary of getting in my car and going all the way to McDonald's (especially on a Saturday night when I'm wearing daggy clothes and my hair is still wet from the shower), knowing that a tall chai latte is simply not going to satisfy me.

If you made your famous 'bladderbusters' available for other caffeinated beverages, I would hand in my Donut King loyalty card in a second and forever be grateful for your poor-quality coffee, so long as there was enough of it to get me off.

Kind regards,
Glamourcide.

Trigger

Don't think about it.
Don't talk about it.
Don't read about it.
Don't watch a segment on TV about it.

You're weak, you know. You used to be able to engage in week-long debates about this and never so much as cringe.
Now the word alone is enough to make you sick.

Fine then, just ignore it and pretend it never happened, princess.