Toxic.

It's time to man up. Lucy would want me to.
I'm a toxic person. If you call me a friend, chances are I'm anything but. Chances are I've put shit on you behind your back, sent you passive-aggressive texts and can only handle you in small doses. I'm no friend worth having.

Why on earth would I treat my friends like this? Who knows. Because I'm jealous. Insecure. I hold grudges and take things far too personally.

I'm a wreck right now. I lost something very dear to me, and seeing the pain and suffering going on in so many lives right now is burning me out. So I'm lashing out - if you're balancing on an even keel and things are going well for you... watch your back. Because I'm aching to take you down a few pegs. It seems to be all I can do to keep my own head above water, because if I'm not finding an (inappropriate) outlet for my feelings, the alternative is to be numb. And I can't afford to be drunk at all hours, I have kids to look after.
So instead, I'm taking it all out on you. Which is no excuse, considering I've been stabbing you in the back all along. I'm just a fucking horrible person who reaps what she sows and then wonders why nothing ever goes right and she's always finding something, anything, to be miserable about.

So there it is. I'm not here for you. I don't have your back. I'm no friend you would want in your life. Forgive me if you must, but do it for yourself - I'm not worthy of forgiveness.

This isn't just directed at one person. I got a wake-up call last night and I'm not even interested in making things right. I just want to get it off my chest so everyone can cut their ties and move on, there's the excuse we've all been looking for. I admit it. I've done wrong. Now go... and be happy. I can't. I never will. But there's no point in you all hanging around being dragged down with me.